He's not there. I'll take it.
To CAPTAIN LELAND STOTTLEMEYER
MONK Season 4 Epi. 9 Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa
ORIGINAL AIR DATE ON USA: 2005/12/02
Terry, hey.
That's not straight. The left side's too low.
- It's good enough. - No, it's not.
- Adrian Monk is coming. - Oh, hell.
Okay.
Captain. / Yeah.
I took a message. Your wife called.
She said her mother's sick and she won't be able to make it tonight.
Her mother's...
Well, that's too bad.
And these are the duty roasters for next week. You have to sign them.
Thank you, Alice.
You looking forward to our little party?
I guess so.
How late do these things usually go?
Last year, Karen and I left at about 2:30 a.m.
And Terry, Detective Chasen was still standing on a table
in his boxer shorts singing 'Help me, Rhonda' in Spanish.
That's a lie. I don't speak Spanish.
- Oh, yes, you do. - Oh, and this came for you.
Someone dropped it off the front desk.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.
Captain Stottlemeyer, thank you for your business, Eastwood Auto Supply.
You know what this is, Alice? This is a bribe.
Somebody is trying to influence public policy.
And I think it might work.
Hey.
I was just tuning it up for ya.
- It's a nice guitar. - It's Karen's.
You're gonna play today?
We'll see how it goes.
You know, I can run home and grab my gibson and we can jam.
We used to have a rock band back in high school.
Randy Disher Project.
That's a good name. How'd you come up with that?
Well, my name's Randy Disher and then, Project.
You know, Randy, I don't really jam.
- I'm more of an old folky kinda guy. - That's cool.
That's cool, too. I mean, I could just sing harmony.
Good.
Whoa, hey, what'd you get?
This is from the body shop down the street.
Ugh, hell, it's port. I hate port.
I love port.
You know, I think I'll bring it home for Karen.
What, does she likes port?
It's kind of an acquired taste.
I like port. A lot of people don't.
Randy, I'm taking it home.
Mr. Monk, it's 8:30.
I'm ready when you are.
- How is your side looking? - So far, my side is perfect.
What's wrong?
- Is it beautiful? - Is what beautiful?
Snow.
You've never seen snow?
Oh, it's very beautiful.
No two flakes are the same.
But somehow it's still beautiful.
Mr. Monk, come on.
We gotta go. Where's your present?
Oh, it's in the hallway.
Sweetie, are you sure okay with Mr. Monk being here?
Yeah, it's okay, mom. It's what Christmas is all about, right?
Helping people. / Yes.
Who's that for?
This one's from Trudy. It's for me.
- From Trudy? - Yeah.
After she died, I found it.
Every Christmas I put it under the tree.
- You never open it? - No.
What's that one?
This one's for Captain Stottlemeyer. I picked his name.
Everybody picked a name out of a hat. Whoever you got,
you're their secret Santa and you have to buy 'em a present.
What did you get him?
All I can tell you is that he's gonna love it.
It's gonna be a great party. I'm not completely dreading it.
That's the spirit. Okay, lock up.
Have a good night. Don't wait up.
Hey.
Hey. / Oh, nice sweater.
Oh, thanks. It's a gift from my aunt Kay in Boston. She knitted it herself.
Wow. / Mmm hmm.
Yeah, she said it took her months.
- I'm her favorite nephew. - I'm sure you are.
I'll be right back, okay?
Hey. Merry Christmas.
You two cousins?
Where did you get that?
Walmart. 15 bucks.
Aunt Kay probably went to Walmart
and saw that sweater and went home and knitted me the same one.
That sweater inspired this one.
You can still see where she tore the tag off.
It's the thought that counts.
Hello, Adrian. Merry Christmas.
I haven't seen you around lately.
I don't go out much during the holidays.
It's so depressing.
I don't have to tell you. I mean, you're not married, eighther?
You don't have anyone.
That's true.
It's tough. Especially for people our age.
¢Ü It is the night of our dear Savior's birth! ¢Ü
¢Ü Long lay the world in
¢Ü Till he appeared and
¢Ü A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices ¢Ü
¢Ü For yonder breaks
¢Ü Fall on your knees ¢Ü
¢Ü Oh hear the angel voices ¢Ü
¢Ü Oh night divine ¢Ü
¢Ü Oh night when Christ was born ¢Ü
¢Ü Oh night ¢Ü
¢Ü Oh holy night ¢Ü
Okay, excuse me everybody. It's almost midnight.
So it's time for all you secret Santas to go get your presents.
Captain.
Hey. / Merry Christmas.
Oh, you got me.
It's a...it's an air purifier for your house.
Are you saying my house smells?
Not your house.
But houses like yours sometimes get a...
odor that's, you know sour or very unpleasant kind of stench of...
- Not your house. - Thank you.
Thank you, Monk.
- Merry Christmas. - Thank you.
Merry Christmas to you.
Do you know what Ebay is?
Ebay, no. / Good.
I'm your secret Santa.
Alice, thank you. Merry Christmas.
- Oh, it's a funny card. - Yes, it is.
You can tell because of the exclamation points.
What'd you get?
Oh, my god.
Alice.
This I love.
Thanks.
Are you okay?
The present that I bought for Terry.
Do you know what happened to it?
No, what was it?
A little hair trimmer thingy. It was this big.
- I wrapped it myself. - Did you check your briefcase?
Yeah.
Why don't you give him one of these toys from your desk?
No, he's been in this office a million times. He'd know I recycled it.
Or what about..?
Does he like port?
I think so.
Merry Christmas, my friend.
Like port?
Oh, I love it. / Excellent.
Thanks, Captain.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas to you.
Terry?
Terry!
Hey.
Hey, hey, buddy.
Terry. / Terry.
Hey.
Hey, call an ambulance. John, John, call it in.
What happened?
What did he say?
It's still preliminary.
What did he say, Randy?
Poison. Some kind of strychnine.
Some gone effective. Anybody could've made it.
Couldn't he have tasted it?
- Port's pretty heavy drink, isn't it? - It's really strong.
He wouldn't taste it in that.
Captain, they need the body.
This was meant for me.
Well, there weren't for the grace of god.
This was meant for me.
A grace of god.
Captain.
I'm really so sorry.
He was only 38 years old, right? Was he married?
- Nah, I think they were separated. - No.
They're back together. I just talked to Jenny.
They got two little girls. Twins.
Just a card. It came with the bottle. / Yeah.
And nobody saw who delivered it?
It was sitting at the front desk.
- Anybody could've dropped it off there. - I'm so sorry.
It was my idea for the gift exchange, secret Santa, I just..
Alice, you can't blame yourself.
Well, I just woke up John DaSilva. He owns the body shop.
He says they never sent gifts or liqouor.
He offered to come down and take a poly but it feels like a dead end.
Whoever sent it knew you did business with them.
That narrows it down, right?
Exclusive parts supplier for the SFPD.
It's in all their ads. Anybody could've seen it.
Okay, let's get to it.
I've narrowed it down to 5 possible suspects.
People who may have had a grudge, people you arrested..
It was Frank Prager.
Yes, sir, Frank's on the list. He's number one.
Who's Prager?
A year ago, captain shot and killed a bank robber named Mike Prager.
Frank's his brother.
A few months ago, tried to settle the score.
He came at me in a parking lot. He got off five rounds and he missed.
- Got away? - Disappeared.
And it looks like he missed again.
All right, Why don't we each take a name?
Lieutenant, you're wasting your time. I'm telling you it's Frank Prager.
All right. How about this?
How about we split up into two teams?
Your team gets Prager and my team will take the rest of the list.
Okay.
Let's see.
What are you doing?
I'm picking my team.
I'll take...
I'll take Monk.
No, I'll take Monk.
Okay.
I'll take Natalie.
Oh, I can't. Julie's waiting for me at home.
Fine.
Um, I'll take...
You'll take Robins.
Meet us back here at noon.
I'll take Robins.
Let's go.
Four months ago, it was a Tuesday night.
I came out of the bar, 2 a.m.
They took my keys so I'm walking home.
I was alone.
I was pretty toasted.
That street light was on, 'cuz I could still see.
And he was waiting. He was by...
There was a big black van here. He waiting behind it.
Must've been here all night.
He steps out.
I'm standing right about where you are now.
I knew who it was right away. It was Frank Prager
and he wanted me dead. I could see it in his eyes.
He aims Glock 17 to my head, caps off 5 rounds.
And then..
And then he disappeared.
Until last night.
He was only 12 feet away.
With the street light behind him, it's not a hard shot.
You said he was a veteran special ops? / Yeah.
Maybe he was as toasted as me.
Or maybe it was a miracle.
Maybe it was.
And they just left the bullet holes there.
Well, it's probably good for business at this place.
It adds to the mystique.
This pattern does not look random.
2-1-2
He had a Glock 17. He could've fired 20 rounds.
He only squeezed off 5. 2-1-2.
Monk. It doesn't matter.
He's given up on guns. They guy's graduated to strychnine.
- It's a different M.O. - He's special ops, remember?
Those guys know a hundred different ways to kill somebody.
Prager wants me dead.
I'm the guy that shot his brother.
He's married, right? With a daughter.
Yeah, cute kid, 7 years old.
Is he in touch with them?
Well, we staked out the house for a couple of weeks,
but he never called or showed his face.
Well, let's check it out. Maybe..maybe he's home for Christmas.
Look, Monk. I can't go near the place.
The wife filed a complaint against me, said that I had been harrassing her.
Why would she say that?
Probably because I have been harrassing her.
- What? - She's never seen you.
How much longer?
Natalie, this is stake-out.
You never know how long.
That's what makes a stake-out so much fun.
Oh, you wanna play 20 questions?
Sure. / Okay. Right, you can go first.
You have to think of somebody, anybody, living or dead.
Okay, I got it.
Is it Trudy?
- Trudy who? - Trudy Monk, your wife.
Yes, thank you.
That was fun.
So, Mr. Monk, what do you want for Christmas?
A miracle.
Yeah. I could use one of those.
Julie hates it here because it never snows.
She's been praying for this white Christmas.
Well, it hasn't snowed in San Fransisco in 9 years.
The last time it snowed was the day Trudy died.
Oh, my god, I can't stand it. Let's just go up there and knock on the door.
And say what?
¢Ü Silent night, holy night ¢Ü
¢Ü All is calm, all is bright ¢Ü
¢Ü Round yon virgin mother and Child ¢Ü
- It's dripping. - It's suppposed to drip.
¢Ü Holy Infant, so tender and mild ¢Ü
¢Ü Sleep in heavenly peace ¢Ü
Ouch.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, we get carolers all the time. Ususally, there's whole group.
Right. / Yeah.
- We had a group. - We started with a big crowd.
And then we had..
But then we lost them somehow and then dropped out.
Yeah, they just left.
- What happened? - Creative differences.
They really weren't comfortable with the religious material.
Just wanted to a whole.. whole different thing.
Other.. like a Vegas style. We were not..
No. / Not into it.
- But we wish them well. - Yeah.
- Can I use your bathroom? - Show business is a ...
Yeah, sure. Come on in.
Are you Dory?
How did you know?
Um, well, your daddy told me.
Do you know my daddy?
In a way, yeah.
I've been looking for him. Do you know where he is?
Sshh. It's a secret.
It's a secret, okay. I won't tell anybody.
What are you doing?
I was just...
Are you a cop?
- Okay, look, here's the thing. - Dory, go to your room.
I want you out. Just get out of my house.
Haven't you people done enough to this family?
That went well.
Okay, hold it, hold it. Do we have a plan?
What? No, I need to talk to the little girl again.
Just for a minute. She knows something, I'm telling you.
Who are all these people?
These folks have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas.
- Yeah? Which is what? - Which is leaving me alone.
Well, I love it. I love everything about it.
The crowd, the shopping, the decorations.
The fact that it's horrible doesn't bother you?
My gosh, I can't believe he's still here.
Who's here?
Mr. Preston. I used to work here.
Wait a minute. How many jobs have you had?
It was just after high school. It was a summer thing.
I worked at the information booth, but it only lasted for 3 weeks.
What happened?
Mr. Preston liked me, a lot, a little too much.
Oh, I never had that problem.
SANTA WILL RETURN IN 20 MINUTES.
- I'll be right back. - Where are you going?
I'm gonna go find Mr. Preston. He owes me a favor.
What kind of favor?
Who's waiting to see Santa Claus?
Yeah.
Well, you're in luck.
Because guess who just landed straight from the North Pole?
Santa Claus!
Yay!
Ho, ho, ho.
Yay!
Ssh. Okay, everybody listen up. Okay?
We have some new rules here in Santa's workshop.
Before anybody can sit on Santa's lap,
you have to use these magic wipes and wipe your hand.
Yay, wiping is fun.
And no touching Santa's face.
And try not to breathe on Santa.
Remember, Santa isn't always jolly.
Sometimes Santa's a little bit sad.
Okay? Who's first?
No, no, no, just..
Just stand over there.
Have you been a good boy?
Have you? / Mr. Monk, he's gotta sit on your lap. You're Santa Claus.
- I don't think so. - He has to sit on your lap. Here.
Jump up. / No, no, no.
Yep. / That's too close.
All right, just on the knee. On the knee there, a little further.
A little further. He's squirming.
Santa doesn't like the squirmers.
I love you, Santa.
What is she.. What is she doing?
- She wants a kiss. - No.
No, no, sorry. No. Good. You're done.
Okay, that's it. You're done.
Wait, but I made a list.
Yeah, good, mail it to me, okay? You're done.
All I want for Christmas is a rock polishing kit.
Rock polishing kit?
You're Santa's favorite.
- What's your name? - Trudy.
Are you okay?
It's just that..
My wife's name was Trudy.
She was killed by a car bomb.
It was under the passenger seat.
The whole car exploded.
Okay, you're done. You're done, ho, ho
Let's go.
And what's your name?
Dory. / Dory, that's a pretty name.
I bet I know what you want for Christmas.
You want your daddy to come home.
And I wanna help you, but I have a problem.
I just can't find him. Do you know where he is?
In a church.
He lives in a church?
- With the 3 ladies out front. - 3 ladies.
Daddy.
That's him.
That's Prager.
Natalie. / Frank, they're cops.
Clear.
Monk was right. He's in there.
Three ladies out front, that was all we needed. / Yes, sir.
He's been living in there since September.
Been in the room in the basement. He's going by the name Brad Elliot.
I don't give a rat's ass what he calls himself.
Let's go get him.
Cover the back. Tell the snipers we're going in on my signal.
Wait, wait.
There's a nun in there.
She won't leave.
- A nun? - Sounded nice.
She had a nun-y quality.
What did she want, Randy?
She just wants to talk to you.
She's afraid you're gonna rough him up.
Stand down.
No, no, no, stay put.
Hold your positions.
- Stand down. - Hold your positions.
Captain Stottlemeyer. / Yeah.
I'm sister Heather.
Hi, sister.
- You know why I'm here, right? - Yes.
He's here. He's in the sanctuary.
He's very frightened.
You think he tried to murder you?
Yes, ma'am, I do.
You obviously have very strong feelings about this.
You got that..
Yes, I do.
I just wanna make sure that Brad isn't mistreated.
Brad's not his name.
You're right.
I don't know his real name.
But I know the man.
He's been working in our outreach program.
He's been feeding the hungry and homeless every night.
When they're too tired to come here, he brings the food to them.
Well, maybe he has a guilty conscience.
Well, any conscience at all is a rare thing these days.
What do you want, Captain?
I want justice.
Well, he's afraid that you want something else.
He's afraid you and the other policemen want...
Revenge.
My father wants taught me an important lesson.
There's no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
- Your father. - He's your father too.
Okay, look, I promise you that I will not hurt him.
Okay.
Frank, there's a clinic next to the church.
They have drugs, they have chemicals.
Did you have access to the storage room?
Uh huh. I mean, I didn't have key or anything,
but it would've been easy enough to break in.
I didn't poison anybody. I'm not a killer.
Oh, right. What about our last date in the parking lot 4 months ago?
I wasn't trying to kill you.
You can't be serious.
All right.
I thought about it.
When I got there, I couldn't.
I didn't want to become my brother.
The last minute, I decided to send you a message.
A message?
Oh, my god.
Captain, the pattern.
It was M. M for Michael
Yeah. It was an M.
How could you miss it?
Well, how was I supposed to know that was the letter M?
This guy's the best detective in the free world.
He didn't know that was an M.
What, you couldn't use a spray can like everyvody else?
Oh, for god's sake, a message.
I just wanted you to think about what you did.
Michael was a good kid who got screwed up.
Wait, you think I don't think about your brother?
I think about your brother every damn day of my life.
It was him or me.
And it still eats me up.
I don't need an M on a wall to remember something like that.
No cop does.
Get him out of here.
Let's go.
God, Captain, you gotta read this.
This is from the journal he kept while he was in that church.
He feels terrible about what he did. Look at this one part.
- It made me cry. - He can't see it.
Yeah, I know, Natalie. He's not the guy, all right?
Okay, moving on, Lieutenant,
you said there were 4 other suspects who might've had a motive.
Actually, we struck out.
One's deceased, one's in a hospital and two are back in prison.
Okay. So it wasn't Frank Prager. It's nobody on your list.
Who sent me that bottle of wine?
And will they try again?
To kill you, I mean.
I know what you mean, Lieutenant.
Let's see. It looks good.
You need one too.
Okay, this is from Mr. Monk.
You didn't have to get me anything.
Thanks.
Don't tear..
- First Aid kit. - That is the hot gift this year.
It's the Cadillac of first aid kits.
I'm talking about 100 feed of gauze, 5 different ointments, and a tourniquet.
- Now that tourniquet... - Okay, that's great. We're gonna look at that later,
because this is from both of us.
Be careful, those are fragile.
It's alive. It's a living thing.
Is it gonna die?
Well, not for a long long long time.
- But it'll die eventually. - It's a friend.
- It's a little friend to keep you company. - A dying friend.
Look at it. It's just twitching, it's turning.
Left, then it swims right.
It's zigzaging. Can we train it?
Yeah, we can train it. To swim clockwise.
And I can show you how to feed this.
Okay, wait. Stay there.
- It's okay. - I'll get it.
- It's okay. - My new broom.
Just wait.
Captain. / Merry Christmas Alice.
May we come in?
So what's going on?
Monk thinks that he knows who tried to kill me during the Christmas party.
I heard it was Frank Prager.
No, it wasn't Prager.
In fact, it wasn't anybody.
Nobody tried to kill the captain. That was a trick to throw us off track.
Terry Chasen was the target.
From the beginning.
Alice, we know you and Terry were involved.
We've got phone records, credit cards.
You were together for about 6 months. / 7.
7 months.
Was it because he went back to his wife? That's why you killed him?
Alice.
We know how you did it.
The Christmas gift exchange was your idea.
It was easy to make sure that the captain picked Terry's name.
Yeah, I remember. I was the last one to choose and there was one name left.
The day of the party, you brought poisoned bottle into the office.
You dropped it off at the front desk.
It was addressed to Captain Stottlemeyer.
And you know I don't drink port.
And at some point, probably during the party,
you snuck into the captain's office and you stole the gift
that he had brought in for Terry.
And the captain couldn't find it, you suggested replacing it with the bottle.
The poisoned bottle.
It was like a magician doing sleight of hand.
You had everybody looking the wrong way.
It was brilliant.
Excuse me.
Alice.
Where's the poison?
You know, if you threw it away, we'll find traces of it.
You know that.
It's in the basement.
How did you know?
Natalie.
This is the card and the enveloppe. It came with the whisk broom
which by the way I've been using. It really is fantastic.
But the card is a little too big.
See, you had to fold it over.
This card came with the poisoned bottle. It's too small.
Alice, you mixed them up.
I mixed them up.
And I'm usually so organized.
I couldn't...
I just couldn't live without him.
I got it.
Thanks.
I talked to the DA. She's gonna offer you a deal.
8 months plus time served on the assault.
Think about it.
And you can decide when you get back.
Where am I going?
You are released on your own recognizance for two days.
Now, I'm responsible for you.
So don't make me regret it.
Go home.
Aren't you curious?
No. ³×
I love not knowing.
Oh, my god. Come on.
Julie, sweetie, what is it?
It's a white Christmas. It's your white Christmas. Yay.
I'm gonna go get my camera.
I'm getting my coat.
You okay?
Merry Christmas, Mr. Monk.